The Obligatory End of the Year Comments

Ah yes, it’s that special time of the year where we temporary neglect contemporary atrocities and reflect on the year that was. Outside of a global catastrophe, a family matter being amplified, or simply spending the holidays at the bottom of a warm bottle of Jack Daniels, we spend the last week in-between Christmas and New Year’s Eve thinking back on the year that was. In terms of pop-culture, it’s a time to tell other people our favorites and least favorites in a variety of categories, all of them done before mind you. So I won’t bother you with that nonsense. Instead I want to point out what 2014 was lacking and what we need for 2015.

Anime Movies
 
I know it’s probably asking too much, especially when some of you reading will see the word anime and automatically think Pokemon or voluptuously drawn women in pencil thin wardrobes with breasts that magically jiggle even when they’re standing still. Yes, that word elicits so many things we don’t want to think about, tentacles and all, but in the past we’ve seen some fantastic pieces of captivating animation from our friends to the East. Last year we had “The Wind Rises” and years before that we’ve seen greats like, “The Girl Who Leapt Through Time”, “Ghost in the Shell”, and “Paprika”. These kinds of movies are elegantly drawn, endlessly thought provoking, and yet because of their lack of big buck appeal in the Western world, we don’t get to enjoy them on a frequent basis. In terms of 2014, there’s none that I’m aware of that graced the wonderful Heartland that I live in. I’m sure there have been some anime movies in 2014, but American studios didn’t want to dub them or take the risk of showing them without some big financial promises here in the states. So here’s to hoping we get some animes next year, regardless of gratuitous boob jiggles and culture shock.

Werewolves on the Silver Screen

A camera that follows nothing happening in the dark of night is starting to get a little old. I’m looking at you “Paranormal Activity”. Generally audiences flock to the horror that relies heavily upon things we can’t control. Lately, that’s been possession and zombie movies, with the undead beginning to run it’s course in terms of originality (and probably possession too). But you know what badass creature we haven’t heard from in a while? Friggin’ werewolves. Seriously, look at the picture and tell me that’s not awesome. If you were to ask me what the last good werewolf movie was, and not good as in let’s get beers and laugh at the latest SyFy movie original, it would have to be “Ginger Snaps”. As for the last werewolf I can think of…Jacob is far from being a werewolf. Werewolves are great because we can’t control it (“An American Werewolf in London”) and also, if we could control this beastly power, who’s to say us normal folks could stop them (“The Howling”)? Ironically both those ideas happened in 1981 and by my count, that’s longer than I’ve been alive. So let’s quit messing around by casting Benicio Del Toro or having a guy with a six pack give “do me” eyes followed by him transforming into Balto. Give us some meaty, scary, dangerous, and most importantly, fun, creatures with yellow razor sharp claws and mouthful of jagged deadly teeth.

Packing Your Local Repertory Cinemas

I’m fairly lucky when it comes to having these so-called revival house theaters. If you’re uncertain about what a repertory cinema is, it’s a theater that shows classic or old movies instead of first run flicks. But the way these theaters work now, they have to include some first run movies just to get butts in the seats because some people don’t see the allure of seeing “Blade Runner” on 35 mm or re-watching one of their favorites on the big screen. My humble home of Kansas City has just under a dozen of these theaters, and rarely do I ever go to the big five of theater chains. The sad thing is, there’s plenty of cities that are lacking in repertory cinemas. They’re stuck having to go to AMC and it’s ever changing assembly line process of getting concessions, or the cheap, but poorly maintained, Cinemark that only cleans their theater at the end of the day. If you say you’re passionate about movie, you will go to any repertory cinema any day. Half the changes you see now in big chains are thanks to repertory theater ideas. Alcohol, food that isn’t popcorn kernels, and even seeing classic movies up on the big screen again. That’s not say you won’t have problems…because sure your movie might be blurry, or they’ll gladly tell you to leave and never come back if they see your cell phone out, but shouldn’t the movies go back to being an experience to remember? Don’t you want to grab a beer, get a mini pizza smothered with dead animals, and watch Weird Al’s classic “UHF”? I sure as hell do.

A Joel and Ethan Coel Comedy

2008 was the last time these two did a comedy. “Burn After Reading” had a makeshift sex machine and Brad Pitt playing a dimwitted muscle head. Not necessarily the greatest in the Coen brother’s collection, but when they do comedy, it’s done right. Even the much disliked “Ladykillers” holds a special place in my heart for the string of unfortunate deaths that eventually befall our characters. While I haven’t listed anything that may appear dark in nature, there’s a certain level of bleakness to their style of humor. It’s sometimes low brow, but what makes it funny is it’s sandwiched between bits of sharp dialogue and strong establishing visuals. “Fargo”, “The Big Lebowski” and “Raising Arizona” are key pieces of evidence that support that theory. There wasn’t a real high concept movie with dark humor released this past year, and it’s always upsetting when that happens. Even during a Coen brothers-less year, we’ve had “God Bless America”, “Seven Psychopaths”, and “Death to Smoochy” to supply us twisted people with our rare fix of guilty giggles and sick snickering. I want to laugh at the deadly misfortune of others next year.

Originality

I know. I know. Old man talk. Nothing is original anymore. It’s all rehashed garbage. While that’s somewhat true, I’d like to believe that audiences showed their disdain this past summer for sequels, remakes, and franchise building, at least that’s what the box office receipts might tell you. However, at least three of the movies in the top 10 highest grossing of 2014 were original ideas, including the big surprise, “The LEGO Movie”. Meanwhile you had Mark Wahlberg pretending to be smart in the unintelligent “Transformers” sequel and yet another “Hunger Games” movie (which I’m still waiting for “Mockingjay Part 2 to be split into four separate movies so they can milk every penny). And expect the top grossing list for 2015 to be populated with sequels, like “Star Wars” and “The Avengers”. I’m not saying these are bad movies, except “Transformers”, but it’s just nauseating to a certain degree to be fed the same thing. While I understand that movies are a form of entertainment, it’s like any other art form as well, it’s supposed to inspire, motivate, or leave us humbled. It’s OK to watch something and tear up or cheer or leave the theater feeling better than you did before. It’s OK to feel angry, bitter or resentful, but sometimes that’s what needs to happen for you to experience something different. I was going to title this bit “smarter movie-goers”, but that’s condescending to the reader. It’s up to you to find these pieces, ideas, and beautiful movies that are out there. Trust me, they’re made every year and it takes some digging, but they’re just waiting to be watched. Go, seek them out, and give them the love they deserve.

The Offbeat Joys of Christmas

We’ve all had that moment. That moment when we realize that the faint music we’re hearing in the distance is Christmas music. Sometimes it’s while we’re driving and not even paying attention to the radio. “Frosty the Snowman” or “White Christmas” comes on and we’re not physically strong enough to rip the radio console out of the car dash. For some, this moment of holiday horror happens when you’re in the grocery store or your local retail conglomerate shopping. That’s when you realize the halls of capitalism are echoing with “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt. For some, it’s true a delight, to hear this music this time of the year and for others, they begin sympathizing with clock tower shooters.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with Christmas music, but too much of something over a period of one’s life can create a disdain for something that you once enjoyed. Happens all the time with our favorite foods, music, and spouse. In terms of Christmas music, it all begins when we’re tots. As kids we dress up and sing the same songs every year in elementary school and sometimes into middle school. We stumble over the words of “Let It Snow” like an alcoholic on karaoke night, while our parents film so that they can embarrass us later in life.

My unfavorable attitude towards Christmas music started in high school. It’s because I worked a local grocery story and starting November 1st, it was an auditory barrage of cheer from the store speakers, while my boss’ vocal box was being used to yell at me. It also doesn’t help when you’re a young buck and forced into the harsh winter elements to push grocery carts. Nothing creates animosity for something cheery more than sweating profusely while pushing shopping carts through thick blankets of snow in sub zero temperatures, only to come inside and be greeted by, “Oh the weather outside is frightful.”

Not all Christmas music is bad though. There’s plenty of Christmas songs that have originality and even one that I will list that is still a touring staple where everyone in the crowd will gladly sing along as soon as the first measure of music is played. Some of these songs aren’t necessarily the best thing to listen to with your family, but it’s songs that’ll at least help you cope with the holidays, no matter how stressful or burnt out you are from the merriness of others.

#5: They Might Be Giants – Santa’s Beard

Yes. We’ve all heard “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and depending on who you are, it elicits awkward feelings about Michael Jackson and if he ever dressed as Santa. They Might Be Giants created their own version, but instead of mom breaking her marital vows and her child catching her, this is the husband, or boyfriend, clearly spotting the act of cheating. It helps that TMBG lyrics are naturally melodious and blend well with the quirky synthesizers and bouncy bass. TMBG add their bizarre new wave guitar flare and abstract lyrics to this catchy, sweet, and to the point jingle.

#4: Pet Shop Boys – It Doesn’t Often Snow at Christmas

The English pop synth duo have always had a knack for crafting socially conscious music with that underlying theme of finding true love in your significant other. If the chorus doesn’t perfectly summarize our general expectations of what Christmas is and where are expectations should be, you’re completely missing the point of the song. You might not be a fan of new wave dance music. Which is unfortunate for you. The song incorporates brief instrumentals of other known carols and name drops influential artists, who themselves, are known for their own Christmas songs. Overall it’s a lot more clever than what you’d expect and it’s groovy enough for you to make an ass out of yourself after a hearty glass of whiskey egg nog or two.

#3: Fountains of Wayne – I Want An Alien for Christmas

During the mid-90’s, there was this annoying genre called pop punk that gave an outlet to a lot of horny, angry middle schoolers, caused Iggy Pop to weep, and made Sid Vicious flip in his grave. With age, I’ve come to appreciate this genre, but not enough to ever label it as pop punk since those are the two most conflicting terms for a music genre next to Christian Death Metal. So what makes this so worthy of a spot on a list of offbeat Christmas songs? It’s just fun. The lyrics are intentionally silly, the song itself isn’t overbearing with the slightest hint of purpose. It does what any good piece of music is supposed to, make you dance, smile or single along to it’s nonsensicalness. In a time of year where some people are regretting ever starting a family, isn’t it helpful to forget your cares and bob along to something joyful?

#2: Polkadot Cadaver – Sad Christmas Clown

Being single for the holidays can suck. Of course being with someone you don’t like can be worse. And even having to hang with their family that doesn’t like you can be a nightmare scenario. It’s not a true holiday without a song about heartbreak and the most listenable, and possibly most depressing, was handcrafted by Polkadot Cadaver. I know reading the name of the band you’re expecting screaming and what sounds like pots and pans being slammed in the kitchen for drums. Instead it has a soulful deep piano for it’s bed and a haunting guitar riff that adds to the misery. So if you’re spending Christmas morning alone, the last thing you want to hear is “All I Want for Christmas” as you wake up for another day of existence. For those in misery, it helps to know you’re not alone and if you are like that, you might take more solace in a song that finds no joy.

#1: Weird Al – The Night Santa Went Crazy

I told you there was a crowd favorite on this list. Seriously. Anytime the king of music comedy takes the stage with this song, the crowd erupts into cheers and sings along like a church choir on the morning of Christ’s birth. Of course of you don’t like Weird Al at all, I don’t think we can be friends. While Weird Al may be known for his parodies, some of his best work is still found in his original work. “Eat It” and “Amish Paradise” are obviously some go-to tunes for newcomers, but once you hear this slice of yuletide terror. Even by Weird Al standards, this is a fairly demented song. Killing elves, eating reindeer, and fighting off U.S. SWAT teams isn’t necessarily something you’ll be seeing your six-year-old singing at their pageant. Although you have to admit, that’d be one badass Christmas pageant. Of course this is far from kid appropriate, unless you’re a terrible parents. For us sane people, nothing brings us laughter and joy like hearing Santa getting plastered, shooting up the North Pole, and winding up in a penitentiary.