We’ve all had that moment. That moment when we realize that the faint music we’re hearing in the distance is Christmas music. Sometimes it’s while we’re driving and not even paying attention to the radio. “Frosty the Snowman” or “White Christmas” comes on and we’re not physically strong enough to rip the radio console out of the car dash. For some, this moment of holiday horror happens when you’re in the grocery store or your local retail conglomerate shopping. That’s when you realize the halls of capitalism are echoing with “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt. For some, it’s true a delight, to hear this music this time of the year and for others, they begin sympathizing with clock tower shooters.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with Christmas music, but too much of something over a period of one’s life can create a disdain for something that you once enjoyed. Happens all the time with our favorite foods, music, and spouse. In terms of Christmas music, it all begins when we’re tots. As kids we dress up and sing the same songs every year in elementary school and sometimes into middle school. We stumble over the words of “Let It Snow” like an alcoholic on karaoke night, while our parents film so that they can embarrass us later in life.
My unfavorable attitude towards Christmas music started in high school. It’s because I worked a local grocery story and starting November 1st, it was an auditory barrage of cheer from the store speakers, while my boss’ vocal box was being used to yell at me. It also doesn’t help when you’re a young buck and forced into the harsh winter elements to push grocery carts. Nothing creates animosity for something cheery more than sweating profusely while pushing shopping carts through thick blankets of snow in sub zero temperatures, only to come inside and be greeted by, “Oh the weather outside is frightful.”
Not all Christmas music is bad though. There’s plenty of Christmas songs that have originality and even one that I will list that is still a touring staple where everyone in the crowd will gladly sing along as soon as the first measure of music is played. Some of these songs aren’t necessarily the best thing to listen to with your family, but it’s songs that’ll at least help you cope with the holidays, no matter how stressful or burnt out you are from the merriness of others.
#5: They Might Be Giants – Santa’s Beard
Yes. We’ve all heard “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and depending on who you are, it elicits awkward feelings about Michael Jackson and if he ever dressed as Santa. They Might Be Giants created their own version, but instead of mom breaking her marital vows and her child catching her, this is the husband, or boyfriend, clearly spotting the act of cheating. It helps that TMBG lyrics are naturally melodious and blend well with the quirky synthesizers and bouncy bass. TMBG add their bizarre new wave guitar flare and abstract lyrics to this catchy, sweet, and to the point jingle.
#4: Pet Shop Boys – It Doesn’t Often Snow at Christmas
The English pop synth duo have always had a knack for crafting socially conscious music with that underlying theme of finding true love in your significant other. If the chorus doesn’t perfectly summarize our general expectations of what Christmas is and where are expectations should be, you’re completely missing the point of the song. You might not be a fan of new wave dance music. Which is unfortunate for you. The song incorporates brief instrumentals of other known carols and name drops influential artists, who themselves, are known for their own Christmas songs. Overall it’s a lot more clever than what you’d expect and it’s groovy enough for you to make an ass out of yourself after a hearty glass of whiskey egg nog or two.
#3: Fountains of Wayne – I Want An Alien for Christmas
During the mid-90’s, there was this annoying genre called pop punk that gave an outlet to a lot of horny, angry middle schoolers, caused Iggy Pop to weep, and made Sid Vicious flip in his grave. With age, I’ve come to appreciate this genre, but not enough to ever label it as pop punk since those are the two most conflicting terms for a music genre next to Christian Death Metal. So what makes this so worthy of a spot on a list of offbeat Christmas songs? It’s just fun. The lyrics are intentionally silly, the song itself isn’t overbearing with the slightest hint of purpose. It does what any good piece of music is supposed to, make you dance, smile or single along to it’s nonsensicalness. In a time of year where some people are regretting ever starting a family, isn’t it helpful to forget your cares and bob along to something joyful?
#2: Polkadot Cadaver – Sad Christmas Clown
Being single for the holidays can suck. Of course being with someone you don’t like can be worse. And even having to hang with their family that doesn’t like you can be a nightmare scenario. It’s not a true holiday without a song about heartbreak and the most listenable, and possibly most depressing, was handcrafted by Polkadot Cadaver. I know reading the name of the band you’re expecting screaming and what sounds like pots and pans being slammed in the kitchen for drums. Instead it has a soulful deep piano for it’s bed and a haunting guitar riff that adds to the misery. So if you’re spending Christmas morning alone, the last thing you want to hear is “All I Want for Christmas” as you wake up for another day of existence. For those in misery, it helps to know you’re not alone and if you are like that, you might take more solace in a song that finds no joy.
#1: Weird Al – The Night Santa Went Crazy
I told you there was a crowd favorite on this list. Seriously. Anytime the king of music comedy takes the stage with this song, the crowd erupts into cheers and sings along like a church choir on the morning of Christ’s birth. Of course of you don’t like Weird Al at all, I don’t think we can be friends. While Weird Al may be known for his parodies, some of his best work is still found in his original work. “Eat It” and “Amish Paradise” are obviously some go-to tunes for newcomers, but once you hear this slice of yuletide terror. Even by Weird Al standards, this is a fairly demented song. Killing elves, eating reindeer, and fighting off U.S. SWAT teams isn’t necessarily something you’ll be seeing your six-year-old singing at their pageant. Although you have to admit, that’d be one badass Christmas pageant. Of course this is far from kid appropriate, unless you’re a terrible parents. For us sane people, nothing brings us laughter and joy like hearing Santa getting plastered, shooting up the North Pole, and winding up in a penitentiary.
Musings of a Loaf 